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Emotional (60%)	[........||..........]	Logical (40%)
Concerned about self (45%)	[..........|.........]	Concerned about others (55%)
Atheist (56%)	[.........|..........]	Religious (44%)
Loner (39%)	[..........||........]	Dependent (61%)
Laid-back (26%)	[..........|||||.....]	Driven (74%)
Traditional (36%)	[..........|||.......]	Rebel (64%)
Impetuous (55%)	[.........|..........]	Organized (45%)
Engineering mind (26%)	[..........|||||.....]	Artistic mind (74%)
Cynical (49%)	[....................]	Idealist (51%)
Follower (36%)	[..........|||.......]	Leader (64%)
Introverted (2%)	[..........||||||||||]	Extroverted (98%)
Conservative (37%)	[..........|||.......]	Liberal (63%)
Logical (31%)	[..........||||......]	Romantic (69%)
Uninterested (14%)	[..........|||||||...]	Sexual (86%)
Insecure (42%)	[..........||........]	Confident (58%)
Selective (5%)	[..........|||||||||.]	Tolerant (95%)
Pessimistic (47%)	[..........|.........]	Optimistic (53%)
Principled (27%)	[..........|||||.....]	Pragmatic (73%)
Tolerant (44%)	[..........|.........]	Opinionated (56%)
Humble (50%)	[....................]	Elitist (50%)
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I've been away from home for two months now, maybe more, with the exception of a night here and there... I miss my cats, I miss my bed, I miss my home that is my safe place and no one can invade. I miss sleeping as long as I want and being quiet all day, I miss staying in bed all day and reading, I miss only leaving to go to the gym, long afternoon naps and late-night walks watch drunken revelers stumble on the cobblestone, I miss staring at the large white expanse of paper that stared back at me the first month of summer and having no idea what to do with it, I miss having something to do to take my mind off the fact that I'm not really doing much of anything, I'm indulgently treading water in the middle of a culture that I've lost faith with.

a;sfj. Israel was great and horrible and I'll write later maybe but you've probably learned by now not to count on that.

I FUCKING MISS YOU.

Including but not limited to:

fallon
rory
noah
skyler
alex
rivka
marvin
carol
caity
dan
cat
conrad
kitty
ghislane
asja
yesenia
josh
gottlieb
matt
jackie
paula
donny
marker
trent
shannekia
mathias
dora
keely
dan
krista
chelsea
sam
johnnieeee
jake.
brian
phil
harrison
chris
sam
noah
rachel

reading over some of the names on this list my heart gets a little more scrunched up and gradually, with each recollection of the connection
i'm missing out on,
i process through the memories of good conversations without evaluation
where i (for some reason or another) just wasn't feeling judged
and maybe even a little loved

it was what you loved and how
that collective experience of having a part (or maybe even a who) of me loved
by that community, those beautiful faces and hearts and minds
that I miss, that I long for now

so when i reach the end (rachel - she has my sister's name pink hair (sometimes) big smile playful lewd sense of humor and a laugh that infects me with a smile) it's so overwhelming that I can't help but realize that it's been a long time since some part of me has felt at home. maybe it's waiting for an invitation.

[the small last recognition of this internal investigation/meditation (other words: last small pop out to full being in the moment) is the urge to assuage the need away from the emotion, to not impose and cling. and then the seeing of true clinging, the clinging to not cling, and that is thrown off too until all that remains is left is uncensored and pure and bright]

don't know what day it is
must be summer
eat me up
be my lover

can't stop looking at you.

new thing: everyday I wake up chad tells me he's not my savior. (not going to save me from being alone and unloved) today I got a little extra - apparently I'm my own savior. dunno about that one. sounded like a lot of work at first but it could bloom out in a nice direction.

i'm still wearing soul-searching like it's the new black. kinda still looking for the solution to the jumble inside, a rosie-sized key and at the same time don't like the sense that affords of not being there yet, because I am here and whole and this is all full. keep muling over the idea that I'm never going to achieve long-lasting happiness, that even short-term happiness isn't something that can be achieved. that your love can't be achieved, that I can't be awesome and pretty and skinny and good enough for it. It just happens.

seems like i'm getting more and more withdrawn into myself, there's so much there and a sense that going outside, socializing, it's too much and too fast. pretty different from who I was a while back, enjoying the different scenery and pretty much at peace with the introversion. also a little hope for someone captivating enough to take me out of it.

hardest thing right now is seeing my manipulations for what they are. and not trying to manipulate further. even something so simple as getting someone a glass of water can cause emotional paralysis at the idea that I'm doing it because I want something from them - I want their love. giving up my space to visitors, chad's friends, doing things to make other people more comfortable around me - all for love. being laid back, being cool about difficult things, being wise, all for love. even the act of letting manipulation go altogether can be a manipulation itself - wanting to be loved for who Rosie is instead of who we all are (true being). beings of empty, quiet intelligence? Consciousness. continual potential.

giving up. surrender. surrendering all the strategies that have been built since childhood to plant love, grow it, and harvest it. all the strategies to make you want to love me. giving up control and facing fear, facing anger, without moving an inch towards anything, without trying to make it feel better or fix it, without trying to take it well or reacting harshly. just feeling it more, feeling it so totally until the breaking point snap of falling through it and into wellspring of everything alive.

As the summer rolls around I find myself appearing more and more in situations where the intention is to explore, to some degree or another, my self. (Recently: NVC workshop and Landmark Intro) I like being immersed in such atmospheres for a few reasons; I like the attention and the amount of listening I receive and I am invited to give, I like becoming more conscious as a group, I like the friends I make, I like the conversations that go on, I like the truths being expressed. Lately I've been running into a kind of barrier that deserves some thought, though. It's quite common to be asked to descend into myself and find out the truth that's alive. I can hit the superficial areas quite thoroughly - I'm hungry, horny, sleepy, agitated. Anything having to do with the physical comes with ease. But trying to go further than that just turns up a blank kind of fuzzy grayness and I'm not sure what it's about. It happens when people I haven't talked to in a while ask me how I'm doing... I try to find something real to talk about and all I come up with is 'Well... School. That's it. Just school.' It feels boring. And I KNOW that it doesn't have shit to do with my life outside of myself because I know times I've been less involved and busy with the outside world and I've been up to here with things happening.

So the conclusion I start to come to is that I'm not really paying attention. I'm not involved or open to what's happening. I've numbed out or something. This makes me feel a little sad, particularly since I feel more satisfaction and enjoyment of life when living it makes a bigger impact on me. I like having something to say, something to share. I feel hollow and empty and lonely for myself.

I think it's gotten particularly bad since I made the 'decision' to stay in Philadelphia and be in school here. Chad pointed out to me that taking 19.5 credits next semester was a stupid idea considering what I really want, which is to have fun and be fulfilled, and I began to see his point. I would become automaton school-learning child and not have time for anything else that makes me happy. So I dropped three classes taking me down to the lightest course load possible and I'm leaving the rest of the time open for whatever the fuck I want to do. This feels like relief and so what if I have to stay in school long? It's worth the money the long run, to appreciate the time I spend here vs. just try to shut my eyes, grit my teeth, and get through it all as fast as possible.

I went to a free Landmark Forum introduction yesterday night and it was interesting and boring. It's resonating nicely though. I guess. I keep thinking about past and future and now. About how I made the decision to stay in school in the past and it doesn't have to be true anymore if I don't want it to.

So I'm pretty sure I still want to be in school. But I can't really know that unless I allow myself to explore the possibility that I don't want to be in school anymore. Leaving the door open. I want to leave the door open to everything, to everyone. I want to live that way, think that way, be that way.

In my new campaign to become less self-absorbed and more compassionate I've actively stopped trying to check myself out in all the commercial window-space that happens between locust and market on 16th on the walks to and from school, or anywhere in the city. I cannot tell you how much of a difference it has made to quit looking at myself, judging myself, and to start looking at the people, the signs, the colors. The day. To think about other things. Or just to think about how I'm not looking at myself, to notice the utter quiet that exists in the place where 'Hmm, this shirt makes me look a little pudgy around the waist. My hair is all messed up. I look like a crazy person. Is my face puffy today? My ass wiggles a lot when I walk faster.' Now its all 'Wow. What's going on?' Hooray for changing habits.

If I've acted in the past based on needs to feel loved, to be loved, to be nurtured, supported, all that good stuff... Does that mean I need that still? Now? Today? Not this week, not this month, not this year, not this lifetime. Today. This morning-soon-to-be-afternoon.

I didn't like that they kept talking more than they needed to, at Landmark forum. I felt a little dumbed down because of it. I would have liked more time to sit and think to myself or have small group conversation. That was really what was missing, for me, group process, instead of just leader/teacher/coach and student. Sit be quiet and learn. Because after a while it got annoying to hear them speak even though what they were speaking was beautiful. But I guess they also made it stick that way or something, by repetitively saying the same thing in different structures. I dunno. Maybe this is my discomfort speaking. The head woman that spoke in the beginning was definitely cool; she reminded me not a little of Gangaji. I kept thinking that I really need to go meet Gangaji because it was really great to be in that room hearing her and I thought about how much more I could connect to Gangaji.

I've been feeling inexplicably drawn to the cathedral across the square from school lately. Well, I guess it's not quite inexplicable. It's just so quiet in there and it smells like holy introspection that it's a perfect place to sit and think. Ever since we went there for drawing class one day and I realized that it met a very important need in me to sit and think and be without anything else. Like floating in a bubble of deep breaths and magic lighting. And I haven't gone in. I get scared that there'll be a mass going on and I don't like mass. Particularly because I don't know what's going on and what I'm supposed to do. And what everything means.

Yup.




funny angles make your face receed much quicker on a 2-d plane! wooh!




Note teeth clenching due to stress.




This time last year; Where are these people?




Spektor

brain dead.
the apartment looks like an atomic bomb inside a tornado hit it. I spent (gambled and lost?) the last 9 hours of my life painting trite designs on canvass and there is a life-size copper wireframe of a meditating man taking place in the middle of the room. there are also four people sleeping here tonight.

(I stopped writing - the boys came back from the bar and we played video games until collapsing)

Monday Morning

Lunch break for color theory... I am SO ready to be done with this class. I thought I was DONE painting but apparently not. At least I'm leaning something new (ruling pens).

Last night I slept on the floor, the three boys slept in the bed. Until Mark left at 5am. Then I crawled in next to Chad and passed out for another hour or two. I've been getting enough sleep lately that it hasn't really made a dent in my energy.

biggest happy today is THE BOOKS ARE PLAYING TONIGHT; Jessica mentioned it casually in passing and I am fucking steam roller ready to go. Even better - they're at the basement of the 1stUU church, my stomping grounds already, and I found a 20 in my wallet I didn't know I had.

the impending move to a bigger/better space (this weekend, oh please let it be this weekend) is keeping me awake an extra few minutes at night; some sort of weird attachment to being conscious and dreaming up the beautiful existence I'm ready to cultivate with enough room to spread my roots out; there's a living room, a dining room, kitchen, backyard, basement containing washer/dryer, all spaces I get to use ON TOP of my own bedroom. Our current flat is so fucking small the shit has been piling up so that it's ready to hemorrhage spacious sculptural art projects, the solid steel desk, piles of dirty clothes and dishes, as well as both the cats and their (gross) litter box onto the sidewalk outside. of course, the sidewalk is messy enough that most passersby wouldn't even notice the change. the new street is a narrow side-street, not a busy avenue, and there's a large old tree out front. most excited about putting planters in the backyard; having fresh herbs to cook with; maybe even tomatoes in the summer/squash in the fall?

When Keli and Hany come to visit I will be able to have my room all to myself if I want because all three of 'em can just sleep in the living room on the blackthing futon and bunk bed. Not necessarily that I won't want them to sleep with me, too, just to have the option makes me feeling infinitely more open and grounded where before it was all or nothing. Here or gone.

WHEN: THIS SATURDAY

WHERE: THE LOVE STATUE (JFK plaza, between 15th + 16th and Arch and JFK Blvd) PHILADELPHIA

WHAT: We're giving away free hugs. To whoever wants them.

Watch a cool video about it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

Who: all the cool people, some from the 1st UU church of phila, some of my friends, some of your friends, whoever walks by

What's beautiful today? I found
my wallet, it had been cleaned out
of three dollars and cleaned up in the washer
and it lay now on the pile of my
clean clothes, waiting for me to snatch it up
and scream in delight.

Two more hours of class left
(the most remarkable thing about coming home to you is the feeling of being in motion again)
and I forgot my sketchbook for the next one
I could go home; bike back
and be a little more prepared
but I could also fold up some of my charcoal paper and
just use that. Paste it in later
(paste me into your later life
so that we can
skip over this bumpy part where
you're never here
and I'm always aware
you're somewhere else
healing someone else
and traveling
and having adventures
of a highly varied sort.
yes of course I'm jealous b/c we always want what we can have
thinking we can't like smelling but not tasting. travel calories I'm hungry for?)

after today
only four more 12hr days of school left in the semester, as well as those non-days of art history where I mostly play Tetris instead of take notes.
it's rarely ever actually been 12 solid hrs of work
but its still wearing me down.
the trick is to
not pay attention to what you're doing
autopilot through most of it, except the planning part
pour yourself into the thought and that way you can unattach from the reality of
the situation
maybe?
I know if I thought about every strike of the hammer on chisel on plaster I would drive myself up a wall. specially since plaster is so brittle and unreliable (reminding me of people I know)

autopilot
works sometimes. not always. it isn't
a strategy for happiness
okay well maybe it is.
which is why it's generating unhappiness?

smile with joy because you know someone
just that well. not because they are what you want.

my nails keep peeling off in strange places because of the wheel work. I like it even though
the aesthetic result is slightly less desirable than the cause.

If I were cooler I would be spending more time in Israel than I am planning to but
I guess I'm not. Cause I'm not. Ooookay. Enough nonsense for now. Time to get back to
vital procrastination. I mean planning. I mean work.

Oops. [writing oops means the exact opposite of itself being premeditated. I guess. I need to get back into team sports. Choral singing. Anything.]

yes it sad to know
I am happiest alone
but it is when I am under your hand
I know happinness is not grand

me over here on the bed
and you over there on the chair
and all we do is ask eachother questions
we sit naked in our conversations

Devon Sproule. Folky and good. "It's like reading the bhagavad gita."

Are you tired? Ready for bed?
I'm tired and I feel like I'm dead
and I'm full and I'm not ready yet but
when it happens I'll smile again
not the script
still - a common occurence.

I met Dierdre this weekend, and Sean. Shawn? Not sure about the spelling. He gave me an AWESOME massage. Mark professed his love to me this morning and I froze. Chad was standing behind me hugging me and Mark was sitting on the kitchen counter in front of me and yeah, I've got more than one boyfriend, and a girlfriend, and I was STILL uncomfortable feeling so oversaturated with emotions that I was unsure of whether or not I wanted. Wanted to. Wanted to let. Wanted to let OUT.

This weed I just got, its smell makes me feel like I'm back at the Rock.


Lots of things have been happening, I'm not me as you knew me, I'm probably not even me as I knew me, but that's nothing new and has been hapening since I began this stint on the crust of the earth. I'm still in Philadelphia, almost done with my third year of college, the first year towards my BFA. I'm bothered by the fact that I have to be here three more years but only because there are other places I want to be equally as much; other than that I love it. Getting my hands dirty. They're always covered in something - charcoal, clay, plaster, sawdust, paint... It feels good.

As always, everyone out there (gestures vaguely) is in my heart. I'll probably be up at the Rock this spring because I'm finally taking the math credit I need for the Associates, so I'll be seeing Dora (and many others?) graduate. This is really exciting to me as I haven't been up in a while and the barren, mountainous farmland of the berkshires has a strangely provocative call.

No other super important information except that you're awesome.
Oh. And I'm a stripper.
(That's not really important, but the shock[read:entertainment] value is exceptionally high. For some reason it's REALLY hard for people who know me to wrap their minds around it. It would almost be insulting if the reactions/facial expressions weren't so goddamn hilarious.)

Schedule of (PAST) Events

December 10th: Turned 19
December 16th: Back in Arlington for "Holidays"
December 22nd: Back in Philly for muchly needed Alone Time/Time away from EVERYTHING
December 28th: Back in Arlington for "Family"
December 30th: Stop in Charlottesville to pick up 1 Keli, 1 Hany, keep going to Louisa, VA for Twin Oaks New Year's Extravaganza (what else would YOU call it?)
December 31st: Took Ecstasy for the first time. (Tripping experience similar to shrooms; v. taxing on the body; quite enjoyable and unappealing as a regular occurrence)
January 1st: Pick up Kittens from Parents, back in Philly
January 6th - 7th: Keli, Mark, Chad and I @ Mark's
January 9th - 11th: Rosie in Catskills, NY to visist Cristian
January 12th- 14th: Hany, Keli, Chad and I in Boston for BDSM Party/ Visiting David
January 16th: Classes start again (moore college of art and design)
January 19th - 21st: Hany, Keli, Chad and I to Teaneck, NJ to visit Janice and Martin
January 23 - 25th?: Janice visits Hany, Keli, Chad and I in our ONE ROOM (read it: One room.) Studio apartment in Philly
January 27th: FIRST WEEKEND I'VE SPENT AT HOME FOR A MONTH. Brian visits Hany, Keli, Chad and I. In the one room.
January 31st: Keli and Hany move into Chad's office in Haddonfield, NJ: Trial run. I speak with the financial aid adviser and determine with a confidence of 99.9% that I will be in Africa for 6mo-1year with aforementioned comrades. Keli fills out an application to be a stripper.


So I think that brings us up to now. Other interestings:
I'm getting paid $500 to be a research subject.
The kittens are not quite kittens anymore.
I still don't know what I'm doing.
I still like it that way.

I've moved... http://rosiewishes.vox.com/
Livejournal, you loose.
I still read the friends page here.

love,
me

Quazi is HOT HOT HOT. I mean DAMN. And cute. And nerdy. And nice. And REALLY nice. And he likes me already. And he has lots of poly potential having already been once and gotten hurt. He just needs some love and kisses which I am more than happy to provide. Oh man I couldn't even really LOOK at him the first ten minutes in his presence he was just too cute. Shy and nervous = me. Oh but I triumph over that pitfall so quickly.

Aaaand he lives in Florida. Road trip what. I think that might be the fastest I've ever kissed anyone since knowing them. Met for the first time around 11:15am and kissed him around 12:10pm... Congratulations, Quazi! [AIMEE GIVE ME CONTACT INFO FOR HIM OR DIE kthnx]

So yeah. Sucks I didn't meet him sooner and that I'm leaving. I didn't get to see Sarah or Brian (my fault). And it rocks that I'm leaving. Chad Chad Chad. Rachael's coming home with me and Mark is coming on Friday so maybe all three of them will be my family for Orientation and come with me and check out Moore.

Friday is buying a laptop day? We'll seeeee.......

Love,
Rosie

Today I feel sore inside and out. I haven't been thinking about much, the heat melts my brian to brain slime and then it runs out my ears. This almost makes it harder to cope with feeling belated, let down, strange and silly. I've got no stories to pin myself down with today, I float up to the incredible heights of intangible rushes of emotion and hover there without meaning.

Why do I hate and love and HATE buying things? THINGS.

All day I haven't been able to stop thinking about Brian Ehmcrackers. I hope you read this because I love you and I'm terrible at phoning people.

Why do I own SO MANY FREAKIN CLOTHES if I'd just as soon walk around naked all day? Seriously!

On Saturday I'm moving my stuff up to 1232 Liberte Court Burlington, NJ. This is not, as was originally schemed, the-apartment-next-to-Chad's. It is in fact Chad's apartment itself. I just spent most of the past week going through boxes of stuff in the numerous closets of said flat, throwing most of it away, and vacuuming. Having invested this effort in that space, looking at what it was, what it is, and what more could happen, as well as all the time and love Chad and I have shared... Well... It's been amazing. I feel supremely grounded and excited at the same time - excited to see what comes next, whatever that is. A great place to be in for me.


So usually the existence of my belongings in one place wouldn't be any sort of implication that I'll be in the same space with any sort of regularity (me being me and me being everywhere) but then school (www.moore.edu) starts at the middle of the end of August and I'll be there most days. [PS I got in.] Everything is happening all at once and I love it.

Anyway, if you're a person in Arlington chances are 100% likely I want to see you before I leave. Things are going down at Aimee's on Thursday night (give either of us a call) and you're always welcome to kidnap me from the numerous errands I'm flying all over town doing this week. But really, one of the sweetest things in my mind, is that I'll be coming back to A-town with a sever regularity. Like a bad cold that you think you've gotten rid of at the end of the month and then comes back two days later! (Though I sometimes like to think I'm a little more pleasant to be with than a cold.) Already there's the weekend Heart of Now Debbie's talking about doing and the monthly gatherings at Chrysalis. I was happy taking the bus back here yesterday because I remembered how fucking easy it is and how little time it takes. That realization cemented in my mind the possibility of escaping back to Arlington with little forethought and simply the desire to do so. The commute to NYC is an hour less but of similar price; the nature of my connections there require a bit more planning than traveling to Arlington does. Still...

How are you?

Love,
Rosie

OH YEAH AND Maria said tonight that Keli is definitely come to TBS which is AWESOME and she and Gustavo might come which would make it like a gajabillion times cooler. I think the whole world might implode due to the ((SQUEE!!)) if everyone who might be coming does.

And it totally sucks butt that the communities conference at twin oaks is the same weekend as orientation.

Some idea is creeping up on me, of I don't know what. It's grey and silvery, with a shiny translucent quality like a mirror. Sleekly built - like a dolphin - and full of adult heaviness and meaning I cannot grasp yet but will eventually. It has to do with the way I see myself and the way I see myself in my world but isn't directly either of those things. It's like one film superimposed on another, if both images are exactly the same save in two places - everything looks the same and feels the same but for the corner, or one little piece of the whole. It's a new sense of magic I feel at two in the morning when I'm reading philosophy before I fall asleep - like the way two a.m. felt before I was ever allowed to stay up that late and I had only ever done it once or twice in my life. It is almost some sort of schizophrenia, as I watch myself become more responsible and independent and grow older I feel myself becoming even more comfortable in a child's state of amazement and wonder, which seems to have pervaded everything. It is a feeling new to me and I am unaware if I have ever had it before, and I am still completely ignorant to what it is.

The interview went well. They're waiving my application fee because they like me. It bodes well, my friends. A few more bureaucratic hoops to jump through and then!


I got to Chad's before he did, and cleaned it, and then picked him up at the train station. I read him the letter and he cried. Later on in the car he said 'I love everything about you, I love your whole way of being' and I was so tired but I still wanted to zoom up to the moon and dance around it.

And now there are three possible living situations available to me, all of which make my heart skip around a little faster; living in Philly in a house with Jason, living in the apartment next to Chads, living in a two-bedroom with Chad... squeeeee Life is great.